Thus the First Person View of a Neko's Life

[NiaZen]

Entry Twenty-One

Wonder when I'll get to my 100th entry...that would be fun! Well, there's this song that really reminds Nia of the situation I'm in for some reason...here it is:

Speeding Cars by Imogen Heap

It's a good song...I actually like it and it seems to fit my situation...a bit...

Oh yeah, I'm moving away with Blake. Blake my half. And...wow, this is a short entry, but that's all. Mia is sad that I'm moving out, and Rena is especially devestated, her mouse died and now her brother is leaving. Dairan is staying though at least.

-Niko

[NiaZen]

Deaths Approach
Niko's Stories

Blake began to walk out of his house, Niko had stayed behind to do some last-minuet preparations for the early school day. Blake would do homework and study, Niko would make the lunch so that Blake wouldn't be late to his first class.

So Blake began to walk toward the school until he stopped, he felt as if someone was following him so he turned around. A man stood there, staring at him with a confused look in his eyes. Blake looked at him and cocked his head, he opened his mouth and asked, "Um...is there anything you need, sir?" Blake asked, looking at the man, but suddenly he was slammed against the wall and his backpack fell to the ground. Blake was being chocked as he tried to get free. The man's eyes were flaming with anger as he spoke a voice, a voice that had haunted Niko for a long time, and only a faint memory in Blake's head.

"You're Niko's half, aren't you?" The man asked, not ceasing the chocking of Blake.

"Let...go of him..." spoke another voice. It was Niko, which was holding his neck feeling the chocking pressure the man was placing on Blake. The man dropped Blake, both Blake and Niko could breath again. "What do you want...Taik?" Niko asked, revealing the man's name, the person who had made Niko's past so horrid. Niko walked over to Blake to help him up.

"Niko, you know what I want...I simply want you. Everyone has left me...come to me my Niko..." Taik spoke, having an insane tone in his voice.

"I don't want anything to have to do with you Taik." Niko replied, taking out his com-stone and touching it with Blake's. The two bodies came together, Niko's and Blake's soul in one body, and in Blake's body for the mean time and Blake controlling it as well. Blake picked up his backpack and began to walk away, Taik laughed an insane laugh and grabbed Blake's arm and dragged him close to him. Blake pulled away and stepped back, yelling "Leave me alone you idiot!" standing against the wall in the ally he was in. But suddenly, Taik snickered and took out something from his cloak and pointed it at Blake. Blake stood still, dropping his backpack and staring at the thing pointing at him.

"Niko Niko Niko...do you know what this is? It's an amazing earthling creation...a gun. Far deadlier than anything you have ever seen..." Taik laughed, with an insane look in his face.

"Please...just..what do you want?! Just leave me alone!" Blake shouted, staring at the gun.

"You know what I want...I just want you..." Taik said, placing his finger on the trigger.

"No...please...I don't want anything to do with you...just...put the gun down...please..." Blake said, fear surging in his veins.

"Then my Niko...if I can't have you," he began, with a serious calm look and insane voice, he pressed the trigger, "Then nobody can..." Tears rolled down his cheek.

The explosion was loud, and Blake fell to the ground, bleeding. "Shit..." he managed to say, placing his hand on the wound, looking at the blood. He couldn't breath, Niko's soul within suffered all Blake had. They were dying.

Taik looked at the dying Blake, with tears in his eyes, he laughed his insane laugh and placed the gun pointing underneath his chin. He pressed the trigger. He fell down, instantly dead.

Blake pressed the wound, trying to stop the bleeding, but it was no use. He was loosing far too much blood, growing weaker with every second and the fact that he couldn't breath wasn't helping. He continually tried to call for help, but it was no used, he had no energy and he couldn't find the air for it. He breathed heavily, but the air wouldn't stay, he closed his eyes, hoping someone would come...until...Falen appeared in his mind...

Someone was walking past the ally Blake was in until he stopped and ran to Blake. He spoke a voice so familiar, "NIKO! BLAKE! YOU CAN'T DIE ON ME! Please, you can't...I don't want to go back...I...please...I've failed you...hang in there...I've failed..." It was Oroneo Xentatch, Blake's and Niko's guardian angel.

"Oro..." Blake closed his eyes, breathing heavily, "write...journal...day..." he managed to say, stuttered. He stopped breathing, and everything went black.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Oro was sitting next to a hospitol bed, covering his face with his hands, crying. Blake was resting on the bed, having to have life support. Oxygen, blood...The bullet had ruptured Blake's lung and he had lost far too much blood. Oro would cry each night, but doing as he heard Blake say, to write in his journal each day, to record how he was. Oro had no idea why, but he did it.

Oro would continually say to himself, with Blake's visitors not knowing what he was talking about, "I've failed you...Oh Niko...Oh Blake, I've failed you both..." he would say, crying without stop. He would refuse to leave, day, night, morning, dawn, dusk. 24/7.

Blake was far too weak, he was constantly on the verge of death, but something was holding him back, he didn't yet he wanted to die. Blake couldn't move, he could barly breath. He coudn't talk, open his eyes, he couldn't do anything, only lay there, motionless on the hospitol bed, listening to Oro cry each night, wishing that he had been there, then Blake/Niko wouldn't have ever been on that bed.

Oro would look at Blake/Niko, seeing how helpless they looked. An oxygen mask covering half his face, wires, needles, everything covered his body. He would watch Blake/Niko as his chest moved up and down, sometimes stuttering, sometimes stoping, but Oro would pray to Lady Life and Lady death to not take his life away. Blake/Niko had a constant supply of blood, a needle sticking in his right arm, where the blood would go. Oro would also look at the still-healing scars he had. He would stare at them, look at how Niko had cut all the way up from his wrist to around a few inches above his elbow. His scars also read, "No hope, No fate."

Oro would watch, looking at his dying friend, always on the verge of dying, but he would stay, stay to keep his friend...to keep his friend from dying...to keep him alive...

[NiaZen]

Entry Twenty-Two

Niko...Blake...Taik...I should've never left....

I found Blake lying on the floor, struggling for air...

He's at the hospitol...he's dying...he's dying...

-Oro

Entry Twenty-Three

One day, he's not waking up...of course he wouldn't, he lost too much blood...

The docters say an artery was ruputured and his lung was punctured...they say he might not make it without surgury...

-Oro

[NiaZen]

entries while Blake was in the hospitol: (no, they aren't hyperlinks, I'm just too lazy to write them out)

Entry Twenty-Four

Entry Twenty-Five

Entry Twenty-Six

Entry Twenty-Seven

Entry Twenty-Eight

Entry Twenty-Nine

Entry Thirty

Entry Thirty-One

Entry Thirty-Two

Entry Thirty-Three

Entry Thirty-Four




Entry Thirty-Five

Blake's lucky day, he's been awake and now, he's going to get out of the hospitol! I'm so happy for him and for Niko, but Blake has been acting strange, as if...he's confused...I wonder what it is...

-Oro

[NiaZen]

Entry Thirty-Six

Niko won't eat, he won't move...I wonder if it has anything to do with how...with what he said while I was asleep..."Pain...no more...they shall suffer...I'll have vengance!" That's all I heard while I was asleep, but what does it mean? Oro said it could be something that had to do with corruption, something that happens rarely with Taisks...but...why would Niko go corrupt?

Corrupt

Once they had suffered so much of something, once they had been around that so much, the taisk begins to grow a lust for it. They begin to desire it like no other, until they completly change and rarely come back.

A corrupt is a being, one that is born from the desire of the taisk, there is always a corrupt and an innocence, and the former innocence, the soul that lives within the corrupt, the one who created the corrupt. The Former innocence looses all the desire, for it all transfered into the corrupt, and most times, the former innocence never wants to come back out for fear of the world they had created, but if they come out, the corrupt will stay, it will be a separate being but whatever the corrupt feels, the former innocence shall feel as well.

That is the definition of the corrupt...but...could Niko really be...could he?

-Blake

[NiaZen]

entries while Niko was being corrupted:

Entry Thirty-Seven

Entry Thirty-Eight

Entry Thirty-Nine



Entry Fourty

Niko's corrupt...he's not at all how he used to be...his skin...his fur...it's grey...his ears...they aren't as smooth and tame, they are longer and more wild...his tail...His eyes...they aren't a beautiful golden and blue color anymore...they are red, red with fury...

He's corrupt...I came home, and he wasn't sitting, but then a while after, he came in through the window...his claws, they were covered in blood...it was...so horrible...and he...he even drank it...but he's gone again, he told us not to follow him, that he wasn't coming back...

Oro says he's the worst corrupt he's ever seen and known...he lusts for pain, pain from others and his own.

-Blake

[NiaZen]

Entries while Niko was corrupt, while Varius ruled:

Entries Fourty-One through Sixty-Two



Entry Sixty-Three

So he called himself Varius...he loved pain and he still does, but I'm back...but how he loves to tourment me! He cuts himself just to hear me scream...he doesn't...he doesn't...r...well, he doesn't do that anymore but he still kills...but then...there's the occasional boy....

He still drinks blood, I don't know why he drinks blood, he just does...he likes it...and...I really want to say sorry to Falen, I've caused him pain...I've been stupid and useless, only being selfish...but will I ever find him and tell him I'm sorry for all the wrong I've done? For causing him so much pain?

-Niko

[NiaZen]

Tourment
Niko's Stories

"Varius, I said cut it out you idiot!" Niko shouted, clenching his stomach, his hands covered in blood.

"You see my dear, tourmenting none other than myself, or you, is oh so very fun. You scream like no other." Varius said, laughing, his belly, shoulders, wrists, and ankels bleeding.

"Just stop...I don't want to hear it!" Niko shouted, falling on the floor. "I don't want to die of blood loss you idiot! Just leave me alone!"

"No Niko, I won't leave you alone. Your memories live inside me!" Varius shouted, pushing Niko onto the floor and rolling him over on his back, Niko screaming.

"LET ME GO!" he struggled, until he stopped when Varius put his tail in his mouth, then his speech was only muffled.

"You see Niko, learn to love the past, you already live in it, embrace it! Remember when Taik almost had you? When Oro yelled as you took his only love from him? As you killed him, leaving Sheik no mercy?! REMEMBER NIKO!" Varius shouted, sitting on Niko and looking at him straight in the eyes, at Niko's crying eyes.

'Stop...stop it...please!!! Don't make me remember!!' Niko would think.

"Remember Niko? When you fell in love with Falen? Remember that? How wonderful...but then, remember when he left? To save you from a past threat?! Ahh, and Niko, remember, you went out to go restock your house with food, but what did you come back with? A broken arm and leg, bruises and scratches, you were bleeding, limping, hating Oro because he didn't let you kill yourself?

"Oh, remember Niko, how you screamed, telling /him/ to just stop toying and get straight to it. Oh how you screamed as he crushed your leg when you tried to get away. How you screamed when he crushed your arm?! Remember Niko?!"

'No...stop it Varius...stop it...' Niko would think, crying.

"Oh, and Niko, remember? How wonderful the pain was? As you felt the blood trickle down your wrist? Remember? How you longed for more of the pain? Until Mia came back and made you stop? Remember that Niko?!

"Niko, and remember, when your dear loved one came back...and you found something out...how you jumped off the cliff but Oro was there to stop you from ending your life again? Oh, Niko...how you hated yourself...how you wished to end your miserable life!

"Niko...remember, how the bullet felt as Taik shot Blake, remember how it feels as I cut myself, the pain, Niko, love the pain!" Varius said, "And Niko, remember the guilt? How it was your fault Dairan almost died?"

Niko couldn't stand it anymore, the managed to get out of Varius's grip, he changed to his woline form and pounced on Varius. The two fought, feeling as each one got cut, scratched, bit. It lasted a while until Niko caught Varius against the wall, his eyes flaming with madness, anger consuming his body. He held his wind blade up against Varius's neck, blood trickling down both him and Varius's neck as the blade cut into the skin.

"That's right Niko, kill me, kill me to end your miserable little pathetic excuse of a life! Kill me so I can stop tourmenting you and so that you won't feel anymore pain! Kill me Niko, remember the past and live in it, embrace it Niko! Kill me now!" Varius shouted, staring into Niko's furious eyes, laughing.

"I won't kill you Varius...I won't..." And Niko jumped away, dissapearing, but soon he was in his bed, crying, hating himself for all he did to the one he loved, for making him feel so much pain, but he couldn't live in the past, he just couldn't, he wanted to be the old Niko, but how could he? How could he be the old Niko?

[NiaZen]

Entry Sixty-Four

THERE! I SAID I'M SORRY! BUT VARIUS WON'T LEAVE ME ALONE! I'm going to quarintine myself...Things can't go the way they used to be...they can never be!!! In the past I was going to end my life either way...I should've, I wasn't attatched to anybody...the recent past is just full of pain...and what will the future hold for me?! A perfect man?! Doubt it...I used to be so happy...why can't I be happy?! Why is it so hard...people say the first time is always special...I should've never learned how to love...BAHHH!!!

I have to stop being so negative!!! I have to cut it out!!! Please...just stop it...just stop it Niko...stop it...<insert blood stain here> I....I hate you Varius...stop doing that...he won't ever stop...he won't ever go away...<tear mark>...why is it so hard?!...Varius lives to tourment me...Blake is living a perfectly healthy life...why can't I? Bah...the only way to stop this is by killing Varius...but if I do I'll go with him...Nia gave me a quote:

Sometimes life goes on so badly, you want it to end, but then again, doesn't one know that things happen for a reason? The tree grows, the water falls, the lovers break-up. It's all for a reason. And also, things also get worse before they get better, even though you may think the things will never get better, they will, just believe.

It's true...it's very true...what if I do find someone better? Someone who'll love me? Someone who'll care for me and never...never ever do anything bad to me? Will be at my side, to protect me, make me feel wonderful about life and make me learn from my past mistakes?....

No...no, I doubt it...even if I ever find him, Varius will be there...but...but what if I kill him...what if I make him go away and bring him with me...would I come back if this...this dream were to exsist and love me so much...enough to bring me back, but leave Varius behind? But there's the thing...those are all questions...the real question is...will they ever be answered? Will I ever find peace in the world?...what if I jump from the cliff...what if I take Varius with me...what will happen? Blake will survive...Oro can protect him...

Varius also made me realize something...I'm immortal...I will live forever...I don't want to be...I don't want to be living forever...I...I want to be myself again...the one who...but it was the one who believed no good would ever come to me...the one who was scared...I live forever but I can die...I don't want to live like this anymore! I just don't want to...I want to forget...I want to get rid of Varius....I want to be happy for once in my entire life and not care about my past mistakes...I need to...I need peace...I need happiness, I need someone to love...I need it...I need to...

-Niko

[NiaZen]

Entry Sixty-Five

Bah...ahh...please stop this!! AHHH!!! I hate him I hate him I hate him!!! I can't let go...Varius isn't helping any...<blood stain> I swear he wants me to die of blood loss...I hate him...I hate him I hate him I hate him...I can't let go...I can't let go...<blood stain> <tear mark>

Letting go is so hard, it wasn't hard for him because...there I go again...lying to myself...to make myself feel worse <tear mark> I should've never loved him...I told him I was sorry for loving him...he told me not to be sorry...why not?! It completly ruined my life and...not his...why not be sorry for loving?! It's me being sorry for ruining my own life...<tear mark> <blood stain>...he wants me to die of blood loss, I'm positive...I really have to stop being so negative...I can't ever be happy again...can I?

Niko, suck...it...up!!! I...I need to move on...I need tooo!!! BUT I CAN'T!!! <tear mark> <faint blood stain> Or can I... what if...what If I....no...I won't...I...stop it Niko...I have to stop it...I have to...

-Niko

[NiaZen]

Entry Sixty-Six

Sometimes it's all you have...

The feeling...the sensation...it's wonderful...the pleasure it sends throughout your body...how it replaces...it takes over; controls your mind and everything focuses only on that small...that small tiny little thing and ignores all other pains...

One would wonder why someone like me enjoys it so much...maybe it's because I've suffered so much of it...even though nobody has ever found me actually doing it...Varius does it all...he does it for his own pleasure and brings my own by doing it...

The feeling, the feeling of the blood trickling down your wrists, your ankles, your shoulders, the warm fluid of life and death. The feeling as it cuts into your skin...the feeling of pain, agony...it's so wonderful...

Oro...Blake...they've worried for me yet again...I don't eat...I don't see sunshine...I stay closed up in the room...each day closer to death...loosing plenty of blood, yet it all comes back to me because Varius knows no death...

I love it...yet...I hate it...I don't want it...it finds no end...it keeps coming and...it keeps me from remembering...knowing that no good shall ever come to me...or shall it?

Negativity...it's all I know...all I'll ever know...I'm so weak...I'm always tiered...I want to sleep...and never wake up...but yet...in my head...I see that tiny little light...the light of hope...the light that shall bring me to the perfect person one day...but it's so far away...I walk towards it...but it only seems to be going farther and farther away...let it come to me...let it come...

-Niko

[NiaZen]

Entry Sixty-Seven

That's all I am...a freak of nature...

I was never born to be in love...never born to be happy...<tear mark>...never born to love...<tear mark><blood stain> never...never born to feel pleasure <tear mark><blood stain> only to feel pain...be in pain...<tear mark> cause pain...<blood stain>...I hate everything...<tear mark> <blood stain>...

Varius...<tear mark><blood stain>...Taik...<tear mark>...Falen...<tear mark><blood stain> they've all made my life living hell...<tear mark>...I just want the pain to end...<tear mark><blood stain> but it never will...I...I'll never reach that light...<tear mark> <blood stain>...I'll never see the light...<tear mark>...I'll never find true love...<tear mark> <blood stain> I'll never be happy...

<tear mark>I want it all to end...<tear mark><blood stain> I want it to start all over...<tear mark>I want to live like Blake <blood stain> He's never been in pain...only once...<tear mark><blood stain> and that was my fault...<blood stain>...take me now...<tear mark>...finish this...<tear mark>...kill me...<blood stain>...hurt me...<tear mark>...torture me...<blood stain>...but just let it end...<tear mark> let it end now...<tear mark><blood stain>

-Niko

[Inifs Omi]

-crys for niko- that like on the edge of suicide or close to it.... -everyone haves felt that- what am I saying about?..... -crys again-

[NiaZen]

yes, it is...though he's had a lot of suicidal thoughts, before he met falen, after a certain something happened, when he found something out, and now. *shrugs* I guess his life just sucks...but that's what Iniabi is for...

[NiaZen]

Entry Sixty-Eight

I...<tear mark>...I wrote these...<tear mark>...entries...I...<tear mark>...I loved him so much...<tear mark>...I needed him....<tear mark>...let it come...<tear mark>...let death approach:

Entries:

Six:

I wasn't able to sleep once...I'm so tiered...I want my Falen...



Seven

Falen told me that this is the first time that the words "I love you" actually mean something. I'm so head over heels for that guy...he's the best. He understands me...I love him so much...I love Falen, and if they ever take him away from me...I'll get really mad...this is the first time I've ever been in love..and...I...I can't live without him!

I felt that it was his presence that allowed me to live

if it wasn't for him, I would've died, I would've let myself die...scince there would be no need for another freak of nature like me...

his soul...his love for me...the fact that he loves me, respects me, understands me, it gave my body a chance, a chance to live, it gave my soul something to hold on to...to not leave...



Eight

I seem to fall more in love with Falen...I...love him...more...and...more...each...day...



Nine:

I fall in love with Falen every day even more, it's like, I can't even say I love him because it's much more than that...I...I...I feel as if he's part of me...well, now more than ever, but, I...he's, he's like, the half of my soul, the half of my heart, that half of me that was missing...the part, the part in which I wanted....



Ten:

My poem:

It all began one day
As I just ran away
From Him who wanted to
Just use me use it's true.

I ran into the hall,
And saw you just right there,
Standing mighty and so tall,
For all I know and care.
But then He came to me,
I hid behind you, yes
You scared Him so to be,
And saved me from a mess.

I then met your eyes,
And saw inside forever,
A dream where no one cries,
Just you and me together.

This is love at first sight,
Whether you believe or not
Then I maybe just might,
Fall and then get caught.

The way you looked at me,
Was very hypnotizing
I felt no urge to flee,
Just sit and gaze upon thee.

Love is always shared,
But yours and mine is more,
You are the first who's cared,
And said my live was not so poor.

The way I feel for you,
Is not love, not it's not,
My love can't be explained, it's true,
For it's so great,
That I think my heart flew to you.

I give you my heart to keep
So don't ever let it fall
I'm counting you to keep me breathing
And counting on our love to never stall.

The first I've ever been,
And never again
Shall I look at life the same.



Thirteen:

I want you...I need you Falen...



Fifteen:

Falen, Falen has changed, he's not the same...He's not the same...he's...he's Falen...he wouldn't have left me.



Seventeen:

I wish I could've accepted what Falen said <tear mark> He loves me <tear mark> And I love him back <tear mark> but he doesn't deserve a jerk...a freak like me <tear mark> I've screwed up everyone's lives <tear mark> I should've told Falen <tear mark> that I didn't care what he did <tear mark> it's in the past <tear mark> and we must forget that <tear mark> but now he'll never come back <tear mark> and I'll never forgive myself...




I hate myself...I hate my life...I want it to end...<tear mark><blood stain>

-Niko