The Thoughts of a Nobody

[Phanomel]

I

It is such a strange feeling to think, and beware aware, and to make words! I do not know how I am doing it, but my thoughts just form into the words, and I know how to speak, and read, and write.

I do not think I like these feelings though. They are... sad?
That is what my mother said this feeling was called. Sadness. It is not nice to experience.. Not nice at all.

She said it is because my father will not take notice of me. She says I remind him of bad things. She says the bad things happened with him and me, but I have no memories. Everything is nothing before now, but I know my name, and my mother, and my father.

My father locked me out of the room, and he would not open it after a long time. Grim told me I should not bother him, and took me to see strange animals.. But I did not want to see the strange animals. I can not remember what my father looks like right now. It makes me.. sad. I have not seen him much in my memories, and I can not remember.

These feelings are not nice....

[Phanomel]

II


Today, Grim told me that my arms are not normal. He says that everyone else has two. I have not seen everyone yet, and I thought others would have arms like me, but he said special things have made me different.

I wish they would tell me what things they were.. And I asked him, but my mother walked up and got mad at him. She touched his face and made it go red, and told me to go do something else.

So I went outside and sat in the grass. It is grey here, but Grim told me that in most other places, it is green, like his eyes. I think I would like grass like that. I like Grim's eyes, but my mother said there is something behind them. I asked her if I could look behind them sometime, but she said it would not work out right.

I wonder why I cannot do anything. My mother said I can not put parts of others' bodies in places where they already are not, but I do not understand why, and she has not told me. She just says that I cannot do it.

Tzera does it though. I saw him. He took a man's arm and put it by the other one, but my mother said I should not watch him do that, and I should never do that. She said Tzera was not supposed to do it either. She pulled me outside, and told me to do something else, so I sat in the grass again.

I wish she would tell me more, but she says I am not ready yet, and she says my father should tell me more than she should, but I still have not seen him.

I hope he does not dislike me. Mother told me what that was, at least, when I heard Grim say it, and it would make me very very sad if he did.